I have been exchanging emails for a little while with a woman who has left her husband who was also her Dom. She realised that she was in an abusive relationship rather than a loving D/s relationship. However she has been used to having every element of her life controlled for so long that she finds it difficult living without that control. In fact the control has conditioned her to such a degree that reconditioning herself is proving hard. I quote here from two of her emails.
I was looking at web sites quite a bit with hopes that i would find answers I but I have had to stop because I just get all turned on and frustrated and can't do anything about it cause I don't have permission from him. How can I break that so I can be satisfied and cum on my own without asking? I am truly having a mental block about that one. Am I that broken? That I can't even find satisfaction on my own? How retarded is that? How can you miss being spanked? Am i 5 again? Holy merde the wall and my head are making way too much contact , i gotta stop this, how can i shut down my mind?
. . . and then later . . .
Tried again, with a little more success. Maybe I am getting somewhere. At least I feel something if not actual release.
Is it wrong if I just hear his voice in my head as long as he isn't here when I actually cum? Or should I completely block him out. I just hear the words " cum for me now" in my head and I almost get there, but just can't seem to go over the edge. Then I hear " don't you dare cum bitch" or " you're not allowed to cum unless it is me that gives it to you" and it ruins it. Even with Mr Hitachi and Mr. kinky pinky. Maybe I am broken. Even the nipple clamps aren't working. I even tried flogging my own back and it felt good but I need the surprise of the smack. Then I start feeling guilty for even trying. Is this psycho. Should I just give up and go back to him? Doing this on my own is a lot harder than I ever imagined.