Wednesday, November 10, 2010

"a virgin sub"

I have just received the following email:


I have a question for you and I am hoping that you can help me out.

I am a virgin sub. I have been “shopping” around, online (rolling eyes and sighing) for a Dom or Master who can train me. I have not had an easy time but have “met” someone that I have been talking to for about 2 months. He is very unique and has gotten me to grow in a couple of areas that vanilla men have not. However, I have some concerns about this man.

I will not bother you with some of them because some things are common sense to me. But this question deals with the particulars of BDSM.

I am was asked to go out and buy some clothes pins. I did not knowing what to do but had an idea. He is Long distance by the way so we IM a lot or text. We talk on the phone every now and then.

He asked me to web cam him. I indicated that I did not feel comfortable doing so. He indicated that he wanted to cam so he could show me how to use them without me hurting myself or damaging a nerve. I was very apprehensive about this.

First, I do not feel comfortable doing this at all. Why?

My thinking is that he has been trained, he has been, so he should be the one to do this.
1. I do not know my level of pain yet, I ‘THINK’ I am a masochist but do not know at what level. The pins to ME look more painful than a hand spanking, I have not had that yet.

2. I would like to think as a Dom or Master, he would like to have the opportunity to introduce this to me after he has actually played with me? I do not know am I being immature about this? We have not met yet, and sure as I stated he has taken me through some levels over the phone or through IM or what have you but nothing face to face. Not over a web cam!

I need your help in sorting this out. At what point does a Dom or Master wish or desire to get his hands on a trainee or mentee? I read about 2 to 3 months after meeting, but I know this is NOT written in stone it depends on the people involved. He hasn’t mentioned meeting yet at all. I do know that he is married, separated, living in separate domains, he has a live etc but I feel like, he could be a bit more energetically forth coming.

At this point, I am ready to give up! I have discovered this aspect of myself by “mistake” (are there truly any in life?)
I am 39 and feeling like I am too old! LOL. I look at the GIRLS on and just drool with envy.

How does a woman, who is professional, healthy, loving and submissive meet the Master of her dreams. LOL.

Thanks for listening if nothing else.


My reply is here:

Dear Cougar

Thank you for your email.

In the end D/s relationships are built on trust - and this is especially important when one is trying out some BDSM activities for the first time. I can sense you are nervous as you are new to all this - but there also seems to be a certain lack of trust or communication between you and your online Master.

You say he has been "trained" but few are trained as a Master. The Dominant part is something one discovers in a similar way to how subs such as yourself discover their nature and begin to explore it. With BDSM activities though - there are dangers and any responsible Master will ensure he learns properly how to carry out specific activities safely.

There are many websites where one can get good information. There is no reason why you too should not do some Googling in relation to safety of activities if ever you are concerned. I doubt you will come to much harm with clothes pins. But they can hurt a lot - some though find they cope well with such pain - others less so. Because you are discovering your submissive nature does not mean you are a masochist and into pain. Though many subs who are not into pain enjoy such activities because it emphasises that they are controlled and serving their Master thus enhancing their submissive feelings.

But it seems to me at the moment that your Master is not skilled perhaps in the psychological and emotional aspect of recognising the anticipation, trepidation and even fear of a new or "virgin" sub as you put it. It is important that you discuss your fears with him honestly and openly and do not get bullied into doing what is not right for your own development.

It is interesting that you watch some of the videos. Some of those are quite severe and certainly not what a new and nervous sub would start off with! But if that is where you want to get to then I am sure there will be many willing Masters to help you make progress. The art is in finding a skilled one who you trust.

At 39 you are certainly not too old. Earlier on this blog you will see a letter from another sub there younger than you who also felt she was getting too old. But I know many who have only discovered their submission as they get older and there are many Doms who will be delighted to meet you. How does one meet the Master of one's dreams? Well often by chance I suppose but I have found many kind people through blogging.

Good luck - and make sure as a "professional, healthy, loving and submissive" woman that you find a Master who deserves such a precious gift.

Do let us know how you get on.

Kindest regards

Pygar xxxx

I wonder what further advice readers can give?