Friday, September 30, 2011

should I compromise for my husband?

I just received this email from signed loving who is in a Domestic Discipline relationship.

I have a question. My husband and I are fairly new to Domestic Discipline its going wonderfully for us and we couldn't be happier. There's just one thing my husband/master wants me to go to his family's house and his family and I have recently had a falling out. He said he wants to me to make up with them when I'm ready and doesn't want to push me on this BUT I feel like he is disappointed in me that I do not go around them. I do Not want this to hinder the bliss we have been having. Any advice? you can read more about my issues with them on my blog .. I have mentioned it some on there.
As I have no direct experience of Domestic Discipline my response was fairly general.
Hello signed loving

I'm afraid I'm not a experienced in Domestic Discipline but I think in all D/s situations we find what works right for us as a couple. A lot of it is about love and respect in both directions - and that will be the case in any relationship.

It is clearly upsetting to your husband that you have fallen out with his family and that you are not ready to go round to their house. It is clearly abig issue for you that you find making up so difficult. I think your husband is being very reasonable and understanding. He could just tell you to do it as he expects your obedience - however he has said he wants you to make up when you are ready and does not want to push you. It would be a shame if this got in the way of your blissful relationship. I think you could talk with him about how you feel and your fear that you are disappointing him and discuss ways in which you both might work together at resolving the situation with his family.

The longer you leave it though the more difficult it might be. It could be worth biting your tongue and going to them and apologising even if you know it was not your fault. You might be surprised by their response and get apologies in return. But you and he know the individuals best. Talk through how the situation can be resolved and try to deal with it quickly.

Good luck

Any thoughts? Perhaps if you too are in a DD relationship you may have another perspective.

Monday, September 19, 2011

"... is this the Domly way?"

J wrote to me with this query:
"I am new, rapidly "collared" by someone whom I thought cared and would mentor and guide me. Over time I just felt him as indifferent toward me and distrust grew. When I asked for guidance and to just plain "talk to me" I was always accused of topping. To prove my submission. I was instructed to approach a stranger, suck him off and take a picture of my cum filled mouth.....his words.....GAG When I said I could not..I was released and chastised and a wanna be and not a sub. That is something I would never do....and my reasons are valid. I understand the reason behind the task...but feel there are other ways to evaluate surrender. my question... Is this the Domly way?? Is it unDomly to treat with respect and not pass your sub around?? Is the sensual Dom any different?"
My reply was:
"Sadly many have found it so though it should not be. There is no "Domly way" but there are plenty who think they are Doms and pretend to be when in reality they are just misogynists who get off on power. If you frequent any of the BDSM contact sites you will find many of them - in fact it will be hard to avoid them! In reality though a good Dom cares for his sub and knows and understands her limits. He may push gently at the edges trying to extend those limits - or if he breaks them will know what he is soing and why and what the reaction of his sub will be - but doing it for his sub rather than for himself.

You will often see phrases from Doms such as "it isn't about what you want it is about what I want." Of course in the dynamic that is true. However I believe that in a good D/s relationship each are caring about the needs and desires of the other. Finding the right person will be hard. It is hard enough is it not in a vanilla relationship. Finding the right Dom can be even harder. But don't give up. I am sure he may be out there."
What do readers think? Is this the Domly way?