Thursday, August 13, 2015

She only wants an online relationship ... can it work?

While I was still in Shanghai I received this email from Graham. He is in love and wants a real time D/s relationship but his girl only wants online ...
Hi Pygar

I must say before I continue how much I enjoy your blog. I find your writing excellent and thought provoking; and your content very topical.
  I could use your advice. I am in my third D/s relationship in my life. And I must tell you everyone is quite different.

My girl and I did not start out expecting or even wanting to be in a relationship - we became friends. - then fell in love and now we are in this thing. It's wonderful and difficult at the same time.

I am romantic, driven by love....and that makes all things possible.  The "challenges" stem from the fact that my girl only wants an online relationship. That by itself has challenges when you want so much to be actually doing what you describe. You want to be tying the rope, not having her do it. 
You also want the moments, sexual or not, to be precious, fun, exciting and have as much of a degree as real as can be.

My girl does not cam, phone, FaceTime or any other means other than typing in a box. You can tell I would like more, but that will never be possible.

She is married, with a family, and has a very active sexual life with her husband. So being with me isn't the number one priority and our time together must be according to her availability and schedule.

Seeing her is possible, but the risk of being discovered is a overwhelming concern of hers. ( I am more comfortable with risk)

I very romantic and affectionate, so she doesn't always follow my simple rules and protocols all the time. Actually punishing one online is challenging.

I can not mark her in any way.

I am in love with her....want more....and find myself thinking about wanting to actually do what I think about.

I'd like your thought about how to support such a dynamic over the long we don't run out of steam. I need to keep our intimacy exciting, arousing and stimulating - while meeting the needs and wants we both have from our relationship.

Communicating only in a box is difficult, because expression and reflection are lost; and one can assume and misinterpret what is being said.

Trust can easily be swayed. So please, I'd like to hear your thoughts one keeping the bright light fully illuminated over the long run, keeping intimacy exciting, how to effectively punish in this dynamic, and dealing with the desire to do more...and raise the bar.

Many thanks

I replied,
Hello Graham

Thanks for your interesting email - thank you also for the compliments on the blog.

First can I say that in the past I have found that online relationships van be very, very intense. There is something about the written word that can be very powerful. I have become very close to subs online and have some lasting friendships. I have also had some very powerful real life encounters that have resulted from initial online relationships.

It can work - if you both want it to and are committed to it.

It is different from real time. There is of course not the direct physical contact but the emotional and psychological side can be even stronger.

Yes you can punish online. If she is not following your protocols and instructions then that needs discussing and sorting out in just the same way as if she was finding it difficult to carry out your instructions face to face.

In the end it will come down to the level of commitment that each of you are prepared to give to it. If you both want to make it work then it can do. However you may find that it just does not work for you in which case you will have to be honest about that too.

Best wishes

My reply was very hurried while I was away. I wonder if readers may have more thoughtful and insightful suggestions? Do add them to the comments. Thanks.


  1. Baby Girl responded to this question on A Kind Dom.

    She wrote:
    Dear Pygar,

    Hmmm...this is a tough one. And your response is by no means perfunctory! :-)

    From the perspective of a submissive (a submissive who met her Dom online and ended up getting married to him), I'm all for online D/s relationships and wholeheartedly agree with you and your reader that the emotions involved in an online experience can be every bit as intense and rewarding as an in-person experience.

    However, I'm also a submissive who is willful and I enjoy the feeling of being kept in my place, of knowing that he can exact punishment and provide pleasure physically at his will. A long term online solution, no matter how much we loved/love each other, would not have worked for us. I would have eventually found myself disappointed at the lack of physicality between us.

    Now, that being said, if your reader's submissive is a good, obedient little one and enjoys the dynamic that they share, and if your reader can come to grips with the fact that he may not ever be able to mark her and tie her up as he sees fit, then they can make it work for them.

    Your advice is sound, given the challenging circumstances of their relationship (not just the online aspect, but the marriage as well) - if they both want it and they both work at it together, then they can make it work. It's all about their level of commitment. I'd like to think that my Daddy/Dom and I would have made it work at any costs and that, if we couldn't have been together physically, we would have pursued any level of relationship that was available to us. Unfortunately, I don't think that would be enough for me.

    If your reader has found this special submissive, then he is truly lucky and has found a gem.

    And yes, punishments most certainly CAN be meted out online! :-)

    Take care,
    Baby Girl

    1. I replied to this as follows:

      Thank you very much Baby Girl for your thoughts on this problem. I have also copied your comment onto the thread on Uncle Agony.

      Like you Graham likes the physicality of a relationship and is worried if online will meet his needs. From other things he has written I get the impression that his sub is not "... a good, obedient little one ...". So I imagine he will be reassured when you say that "... punishments most certainly CAN be meted out online! :-)"

      Thanks again for your thoughtful response.

      P xx

  2. There have been new developments! Do read about them here.


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