I’m writing to you in the hope that you’ll be able to help me find a way through a very difficult situation.There seemed to be a number of issues here so I replied:
In January of this year, I lost my mother to cancer, and soon after, began to have regular chats online with a male friend. This man is a friend of both my partner and I, and I know that he has always found me attractive.
Gradually, we got to know more about each other, and he has opened a Pandora’s Box. Through talking, I have found out that I have deep rooted sub desires, desires that I have suppressed, probably since I was a child.
I feel that my grief has brought a lot of uncomfortable truths to the surface, and I now have to face them.
He has been a Dom for a great many years, and has a lot of experience.
He wants me to be his sub and life partner, although I am in a relationship. This relationship is not going well, and may have to end. I can’t see a way forward. I am strongly drawn to exploring these sub desires, with him, as I feel that it could go a long way to making me rediscover myself.
I’m very unhappy and depressed, and I want to experience being a sub. Now it’s been uncovered, I don’t think I can suppress it any longer.
I wondered whether anyone else has been in a similar situation and how they coped with it.
It’s tearing me apart.
I am sorry you are feeling so unhappy and distressed. You are asking if anyone else may have been in a similar situation in the hope they may be able to offer advice from their own experience. I hope readers will feel free to comment.I know that Mary would be very pleased to receive comments from readers.
For what it is worth here are my own few thoughts - though I have no special claim to wisdom and in the end you will need to decide yourself what is the best way forward.
Major events such as bereavement can often make one reflect on their lives and question them. That is perfectly natural and quite common. So I know you are not alone there.
While reflecting on your life and reviewing possibilities is good and positive, making life changing decisions when in a state of depression may not always be the best timing.
You say that your relationship with your current partner is not going well and may have to end. May I ask if you have any children together and whether your decision will therefore also affect others?
There seem to be a couple of different interrelated issues to consider. The first is your relationship with your present partner. I wonder if you had not started the online relationship with your Dom friend whether you would be still dissatisfied with your current relationship. Might you have been considering him anyway even if you did not have another relationship on the horizon? I suppose I am asking whether you are considering leaving him for someone else or because you need to leave him anyway for your own sanity and growth.
The next question is whether you should start a relationship with your Dom friend and explore your submissive desires. This seems to me to be a separate issue from whether you want to leave your current partner and should perhaps be decided as such.
In starting to explore submission with a new partner there are serious issues of trust to be thought through. It sounds as if you have known this man ell for some time in other contexts and so know him well. He says he wants to commit to you and become your life partner. These are big promises when as yet if I understand correctly you are platonic friends who have been exploring other possibilities online. Neither of you yet can be sure that a Dom/sub relationship will work for you. You are eager to discover your true nature but are not sure yet what it is.
It might be that you are very lucky and you have found a man who will help you explore your nature and express your desires within a loving and caring relationship. It may be that he has the skills to be able to help you explore. But do you know that? I wonder how much you know of that side of his life and his own needs, desires and nature.
In the end you must decide. It could be an exciting journey. However it has its own dangers and pitfalls. So take care Mary.
Good luck. I do hope you are able to make a decision that you are comfortable with and that it brings you some lasting happiness and fulfillment.