Thursday, November 5, 2015

Should I leave my partner to explore my submissive desires?

I received an interesting email recently from Mary. She has been going through a difficult time recently. Is now the time to leave her partner and explore her submissive nature? This is what she wrote:
I’m writing to you in the hope that you’ll be able to help me find a way through a very difficult situation.

In January of this year, I lost my mother to cancer, and soon after, began to have regular chats online with a male friend. This man is a friend of both my partner and I, and I know that he has always found me attractive.

Gradually, we got to know more about each other, and he has opened a Pandora’s Box. Through talking, I have found out that I have deep rooted sub desires, desires that I have suppressed, probably since I was a child.

I feel that my grief has brought a lot of uncomfortable truths to the surface, and I now have to face them.

He has been a Dom for a great many years, and has a lot of experience.

He wants me to be his sub and life partner, although I am in a relationship. This relationship is not going well, and may have to end. I can’t see a way forward. I am strongly drawn to exploring these sub desires, with him, as I feel that it could go a long way to making me rediscover myself.

I’m very unhappy and depressed, and I want to experience being a sub. Now it’s been uncovered, I don’t think I can suppress it any longer.

I wondered whether anyone else has been in a similar situation and how they coped with it.

It’s tearing me apart.

Thanks. x
There seemed to be a number of issues here so I replied:
I am sorry you are feeling so unhappy and distressed. You are asking if anyone else may have been in a similar situation in the hope they may be able to offer advice from their own experience. I hope readers will feel free to comment.

For what it is worth here are my own few thoughts - though I have no special claim to wisdom and in the end you will need to decide yourself what is the best way forward.

Major events such as bereavement can often make one reflect on their lives and question them. That is perfectly natural and quite common. So I know you are not alone there.

While reflecting on your life and reviewing possibilities is good and positive, making life changing decisions when in a state of depression may not always be the best timing.

You say that your relationship with your current partner is not going well and may have to end. May I ask if you have any children together and whether your decision will therefore also affect others?

There seem to be a couple of different interrelated issues to consider. The first is your relationship with your present partner. I wonder if you had not started the online relationship with your Dom friend whether you would be still dissatisfied with your current relationship. Might you have been considering him anyway even if you did not have another relationship on the horizon? I suppose I am asking whether you are considering leaving him for someone else or because you need to leave him anyway for your own sanity and growth.

The next question is whether you should start a relationship with your Dom friend and explore your submissive desires. This seems to me to be a separate issue from whether you want to leave your current partner and should perhaps be decided as such.

In starting to explore submission with a new partner there are serious issues of trust to be thought through. It sounds as if you have known this man ell for some time in other contexts and so know him well. He says he wants to commit to you and become your life partner. These are big promises when as yet if I understand correctly you are platonic friends who have been exploring other possibilities online. Neither of you yet can be sure that a Dom/sub relationship will work for you. You are eager to discover your true nature but are not sure yet what it is.

It might be that you are very lucky and you have found a man who will help you explore your nature and express your desires within a loving and caring relationship. It may be that he has the skills to be able to help you explore. But do you know that? I wonder how much you know of that side of his life and his own needs, desires and nature.

In the end you must decide. It could be an exciting journey. However it has its own dangers and pitfalls. So take care Mary.

Good luck. I do hope you are able to make a decision that you are comfortable with and that it brings you some lasting happiness and fulfillment.
I know that Mary would be very pleased to receive comments from readers.


  1. I think the cautious advice you have given is very good. Mary is an emotional state a the moment and is still grieving. I think rather than pursuing her relationship with this Dom she should first discuss with her partner their relationship and how they can improve it. Perhaps he is not giving her the emotional support she needs at present. To leave and enter into a sub relationship with this other man could well end with deep unhappiness all round.

  2. Thank you Susan.

    Yes, there are huge risks in making major changes at such a time. However, to argue the other side for a moment, if she truly is unhappy then perhaps it is a time to reflect and consider alternative choices.

    In the end she must decide if and when she feels strong enough to do so and be prepared to accept any consequences.

    Thanks again.

    P xx

    PS I think you misspelt your website address which readers can fine here.

  3. In my humble opinion
    I would like to say, Mary needs to heal first
    to find her inner strength again.
    Then make a decision
    ( ... if I only would have known)
    based in my own experience
    I would advise... wait.. find yourself again
    then Mary would be able to discover
    what she truly wants.

    "Being lost many times helps us to find ourselves"
    Cheer up,!! life is wonderful...


  4. Sometimes, we heal with the help of others and following those kindled desires.
    If you're unhappy and the grass over there is calling, then go explore that. Proceed with caution yes. Give a heads up to the new partner, that this is an emotional time but if where you are is making you unhappy and if you feel exploring Pandora's box will ease that, then go for it.

    I know. I know the most common advice is not to make any emotional decisions in a time of distress but it seems to me that Mary knows what she wants. And sometimes, life just doesn't wait. Wishing Mary all kinds of good thoughts.

  5. What very wise comments. Thank you Gabriela and Bleuname.

    Though you each point in different directions.

    " wait.. find yourself again"


    "...sometimes, life just doesn't wait."

    I am sure Mary appreciates the advice from both of you. I think it puts each side of the dilemma very clearly. Yes, Mary needs to heal herself but if she does know what she wants then perhaps she needs to make a firm decision.

    Again, thank you both.

    P xx

  6. Your advice is very sound. Mary needs to grieve the loss. As you said, grief can cause you too look at life with blinders on because in that moment you are grasping to feel anything but sadness.

    How about talking to your partner. Be honest and say you have been doing research and you have finally put a name to how you feel. Submission isn't all about sex. Start with taking care of his needs, etc. You might surprise yourself.

    As I read this, what my own Master told me pops to mind. When He finally admitted to me that He is well acquainted with this lifestyle (took over 6 mos. I knew the first night we slept together and I knocked at the door every chance I could get), we discussed if it was for us.

    He made me research. He was there to answer all questions. And He added the caveat, "D/s is like a moth to a flame. It looks exciting so you get closer to it but often the flame is too hot." In other words, it isn't for everyone, no matter how much you are attracted to it and when you have that first initial encounter it may not be what you expected, wanted or can handle. So, becareful of the promises. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. Good luck.

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost a good friend a little over a year ago and the grief took over - to the point I almost lost my Master. I can imagine yours is 10 times more.

  7. Thank you His slut for your sensitive and supportive comments.

    I do like your Masters wise words, "D/s is like a moth to a flame. It looks exciting so you get closer to it but often the flame is too hot." So perhaps Mary needs to beware because, as you say to her, "The grass isn't always greener on the other side."

    Yes, let's both wish her good luck.

    Thanks again His slut

    P xx

  8. I'd like to chime in if I might with a little advice from personal experience and my work in hospice. Under the best of circumstances it's recommended to wait at least one year before making a major life change after a severe loss. Doing so can interrupt the natural progression and stunt a individual at a unhealthy stage during the healing process. Death of any kind hurts deeply and takes time to heal. If this new man who knows you well is worth you he'll be willing and understanding to wait until you're whole again. As far as the submissive aspect. Being submissive is a daily choice and ingrained in your soul. It's not all about the fun sexy parts. You can submit in your current status as well as you could with a new Dom to satisfy that deeply ingrained need. I hope you find peace.

  9. Thank you very much DaniS for "chiming in".

    Your experience of working with people who have suffered a severe loss is invaluable. The recommendation to wait at least a year before making a major life change is very interesting and I am sure Mary will take note.

    Thanks too for your thoughts about submission and for your kind words to Mary.

    Best wishes

    P xx

  10. The nice thing about this lifestyle is that readers are so willing to give good advice. I think you have all given her good advice and she has to decide what to do next. I think it is best to end the current relationship and give herself time to heal and then decide if she is ready for the new one. But that is just me. It's her call and I just want to wish her good luck.


  11. Thank you Florida Dom. I know Mary will be grateful for your good wishes.

    Yes - it is great how readers are so willing to give advice. It is always thoughtful, constructive and kindly meant. I too am very grateful for all the contributions to this blog.


  12. I have just received this email from Mary:

    "I wondered if you could post this email up on your blog, to say thankyou to all the people who took the trouble to read and give their helpful advice to my recent email. I am in the process of separating from my partner, and, although my heart has been shattered by this decision and by the loss of my Mum, I feel it is the right thing to do. I need to feel whole again.
    It remains to be seen whether I fully embrace my submissiveness, although I feel, in my gut, that this process has already started.
    I’m going to give myself the time I need to let myself heal from recent tragedies and make a decision when I feel the time is right.
    It’s so good to know that there are people out in the world who are kind and generous enough to give sensible and heartfelt advice to others.
    Thankyou all again."


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